chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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