Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
