I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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