Quick, to the slutcave!
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
