Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
