She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
she peed on how many people?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize
