did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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