Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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