Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
