I accidentally had phone sex last night
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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