Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
