I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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