he thought i was a dude.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
