just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
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