The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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