A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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