your thong is hanging out like whoa
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
