quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
