apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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