just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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