I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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