Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
