wrigley field is MILF paradise
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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