I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
