overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
