so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
