well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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