I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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