I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
