i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
