based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
