i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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