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Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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