Dude my mom stole all your condoms
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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