The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
