omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
