The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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