Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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