just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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