o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
im holly from the hills drunk
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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