I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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