I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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