I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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