Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
