I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
