smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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