I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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