I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
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