even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
