I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
