he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
