my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize