I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
