every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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