I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
