so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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