My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
